Yeah, it's 2012!

I have to say - I'm thankful 2011 is over. It was a pretty hard year for us and for many others in our family. I'm glad the back cover of 2011 is face up on my desk and the book for 2012 has been cracked open. The pages are all blank, clear, white, empty. For the most part we get to choose how it's filled up. And at the end of 2012 I hope there are a few themes that run through our book: hope, joy, health, contentment, close relationships with family and friends, along with a deeper understanding of who Jesus is and who we are together. {and I have other theme ideas too like decorating, writing, DIY projects, family trips, and on and on... :-)}

I'm not really one for resolutions (besides the proverbial lose 20lbs) and I don't have any for this year but I do have dreams and ideas and hope. These 3 things were very obviously lacking for me this year. In the thick of chemo treatment I wondered if I would ever have creative ideas or dreams, if I would ever feel passion or drive for anything again. All I wanted to do was lay on the couch, watch movies or tv and get the day over with. That fog is lifting, thank goodness, and I'm finding my mojo.

A few days ago I started to take down our Christmas stuff. The idea was just the tree, since it was totally dying, but everything else I'd leave up. Well I did the tree, took stock, realized I wasn't near tired enough to stop and plus there were needles everywhere - better keep going. Got Sam to take down the rubber maids and packed it all up, then cleaned the house! At about 4 I realized what I'd just done. I'd spent a whole day doing stuff, not laying on the couch, not my usual 2011 method of cleaning (vacuum one room, then lay down!), but how I used to be. I was excited to see the final result of a clean house (I know what your thinking - this excited about cleaning? But a clean house brings me as close to bliss as a good piece of chocolate).

At the end of that day I jokingly said to Sam, "I'm back!" And I really felt that. And I think my family feels that too which makes me super happy. So it may be obvious but today I feel optimistic. And that is exactly how I want to start this new book.

One Good Christmas

Well, I finished radiation 2 weeks ago and I'm doing remarkably well. My skin is pretty much healed up. I'm a bit tanned and sometimes a little itchy but all in all it's doing great. I can only hope that my insides are faring just as well. And I have energy which is something I'm very thankful for. Christmas can be busy with food preparations, presents, and doing all the little things that make it so memorable for kids and I managed to do most of what I normally do.  

I feel like a long journey is coming to a close. I know I still have my every 3 week Herceptin injection and doctor's appointments here and there but the gruelling, active treatment is over. Can I get an Amen?! And I'm starting to think about decorating, sewing, writing, and all the things we're going to do this year and I'm getting pretty excited about it. 

To start it off January is a packed month of fun. Our bathrooms are getting renovated - new tubs, sinks, toilets and everything and I'm heading to Ontario with the kids for 10 days. It'll be so great to see my family - many of whom I haven't seen in quite a while. 

Anyway - just a few pics of our Christmas. And for a hair update: I'm still wearing a scarf out and about but my hair is growing - just really slowly. I'm hoping in a month I'll be able to go bare headed! 

Appie night for Christmas Eve - just the 4 of us.
Ana changed into jammies immediately upon returning home from church.

No - she didn't get oranges. And I love the Jillian Michaels dvd in the back ground.
Very soon I'll be able to get that video out again!

"Just what I wanted!"

Not Your Usual Kinda Juice

As part of our quest for health Sam and I have started juicing. Mostly green juice, cucumbers, celery, kale or romaine or chard, sometimes carrot, usually an apple or pear to sweeten it up and a bit of lemon and ginger. It's actually quite good and I've gotten to the point where I crave it when I don't have it. Kinda like coffee but way better for you. 

Not my juice - found the pic online - but it looks like ours!

Sometimes we've tried other kinds of juice. This beauty is beet, carrot and orange juice. It was actually quite good although a bit bitter. And I love the colour. It matches our juicer! 

So why juice? Well, it's a good way to get the vitamins and nutrients you need. The good thing about juice is that it doesn't need to be digested - all the goodness is absorbed right into your body with minimal amount of work. Of course you still need to EAT veggies - the fibre is good for you too. 

Usually we juice in the mornings and then eat a big salad for lunch and something else vegetably for dinner. At least that's the optimum plan. The day I wrote this we had some really cheesy yummy pasta that I just had to try and make (pasta is my weakness. and thai food, and nachos...;-). But the bottom line is - I really don't want to get cancer again and I'm researching all the things people say will help in that. Eating your veggies is a big one - so I'm eating AND drinking them!

More on Living

I was pleasantly surprised to see this above me the first time I laid down on the radiation table.
It's what I get to look at every time I get zapped!

It's crazy how time just keeps moving forward. I've been in the cancer world for 10 months now. 10 MONTHS. It feels like an eternity and like no time at all. When we first started I had no idea what it would feel like to be immersed in something so life changing for such a long period of time.

One thing I've come to realize may seem pretty basic but it's really hit me this week. I'm still me. I still love what I loved before, I still get grouchy when I'm tired and hungry, I still need down time every day and my body is still my body. It may have gone through a bunch of changes that are annoying. I see them, accept them, but at the end of the day I still feel the same inside. Through everything, that is what I need to hold on to. 

At my radiation appointments I've had the opportunity to chat with a number of different people while we wait. Everyone is dealing with cancer. It's a given. And yet the responses are all so different. I met a couple who see this as a minor blip in their retirement (she has breast cancer). They went on a huge 4 week trip between surgery and chemo, and went to Mexico for a week during chemotherapy. Ironically they have the same doctor as I do - the one who told me I shouldn't go home for Christmas because I was still recovering and in the middle of treatment. When I was surprised that the doc had said it was okay to go they laughed and said 'we didn't tell her.' I loved their spirit, the way they Brazenly Lived and just want to be done so they can live some more.

Today the Radiation Oncologist I saw (not my normal doctor) had some really good things to say. I was asking him (again - I ask everyone) about Lymphedema, specifically about getting a compression sleeve. I don't have any symptoms but I worry about it constantly. He was a nice East Indian man who looked at me and smiled. 'Don't treat something you don't have,' he said and then went on to say - just keep doing what you're doing - arm/chest stretches, exercise, things that get the lymph moving. Then as if I might not have gotten what he meant he looked at me again and said, 'So  many people in this world - you, me, everyone - we have a tendency to worry about things and anticipate problems that will most likely never happen. Don't do that."

That is exactly how I've tried to deal with things this year. So why am I worrying so much about lymphedema before I even have one symptom. Yes I have a risk, and if I did have swelling or something I should get it checked out quickly but right now I don't. And I may never. So thank you to the tender doctor who took the time to relieve me of fear. Peace is not what I usually feel when I leave doctor's appointments at the hospital but it's what I felt today and I like this feeling better!

Two more radiation treatments left. I'm onto the "boost" portion of my treatment. One zap instead of 7, a quick 5 minutes in and out. I'm so relieved to finally be done and just in time for Christmas holidays. The kids will be off and we'll have nothing on the calendar - love it.

Presence

My mom asked me the other day what the cancer experience has changed about me. Aside from the physical changes like diet and exercise, surgery and chemo side effects that may or may not be permanent, I'm really not too sure.

When people ask me what I feel like God is teaching me through all this I have to admit that I don't know. Not yet and maybe not ever. I haven't had any amazing "God" moments or audible declarations about why my family and I are going through this. We've struggled with fear, anxiety, unsettledness, horrible side effects. We've prayed and prayed for peace and mercy and healing but I still have to go through the medical process and I haven't been miraculously spared side effects or hair loss or anything like that.

But when I was thinking about this - what I realized as I looked back (or even as I go through today) is that what I feel and have felt for the past 9 months is Presence. We weren't alone, we aren't alone. I feel like Jesus turned his face toward us. Cared for us, cried with us, loved us, provided us with what we needed when we needed it, guided us into decisions and gave us peace when we doubted the decisions we made.

Sometimes these provisions were as small as a comment on this blog - cheering me on - written on a day when I felt like I couldn't take one more step, or as important as providing meals for my family when we had no energy to even open the fridge. But also providing someone to clean my house, fun for our kids, social times when we needed it and quietness when we needed that. I'm just so thankful.

And those other changes I talked about - maybe I'll post more on that later. We've discovered the wonder of juicing and are scouting all the markets around us for organic vegetables. Today I found a little gem called Silver Hills that is so much more then just bread - 2 minutes from my house and I didn't even know it!

And for an update: Chemo is done! Yeah for that. Radiation starts on November 17 and I'll have 20 sessions total - Monday to Friday, finishing on December 14. I still go every 3 weeks for Herceptin injections which are only 30 minutes or so and have very little side effects. I'm not quite done but with chemo over it feels like a really bleak chapter in my life is over and it's all up hill from here.

Every Good and Perfect Gift...

I'm a very lucky lady. Or maybe blessed is a better term. Luck implies randomness and I think that the gift of Sam in my life was anything but random.

This year has been insane. How it is that I've already travelled 8 months on this cancer journey? What is it that has kept me going through it all? Well - many things actually! The support and prayer of so many friends and family, help with meals, coffee dates, random life giving outings, and the smiles from my kids. But there is one that tops all the others and that is Sam.

He has been at almost every appointment I've had. From surgery to chemo and all the doctors appointments in between. I remember the first chemotherapy cycle. About 2 hours after being home I crashed and burned and he stepped right in to pick up all the pieces. He kept me hydrated and out of the hospital that weekend. Plying me with drinks of all sorts while I threw up and laid on the couch for hours at a time barely able to form a coherent thought.

I also remember one morning feeling miserable but unable to sleep. I took up my spot on the couch and listened to him clean the kitchen, sweep and wash the floor, tidy up all around me while doing loads of laundry. It was that comfortable bustle of activity - when you know you are being looked after, someone's got ahold of it all and you don't have to worry, you can just relax. He knew what I needed to feel most at peace and comfortable and he just did it.

Since that day Sam has done many more loads of laundry, many meals, a lot of driving back and forth to school, house cleaning, bed making, and many many outings with the kids. He shaved my head for me, ran out to the drugstore early in the morning or late at night, made sure I had clean sheets every other day during the days I felt the worst, lysol'd the house over and over, did every kid bedtime and breakfast by himself and spent many evenings alone while I was in bed by 7pm. Every chemo cycle he hands me a card filled with words of support and love - reminders that we are walking the road together. Those things have meant so much to me and I am so thankful.

I can't imagine having gone through this without him and I'm so glad we're a team. A team in decision making and treatment and whatever comes next. So today I am Thankful. Thankful that God chose Sam to be my husband.

Season of Change

With Number 7 just around the bend I'm starting to feel as if the end is in sight. The end of chemo anyway. I met today with a 2nd Radiation Oncologist and will start radiation about 4 weeks after my last chemo. This decision was hard for us to make. A lot of back and forth, a lot of questions to different doctors, friends and family, and a lot of waiting on God for his wisdom and discernment. But we are moving forward, putting all our concerns and fears into the waiting hands of Jesus. And I feel at peace.

This month has also been filled with a lot of normal life things which is a relief after months of focusing on cancer. I feel as if I'm participating in my life once more, not just letting my health consume me (although sometimes it still does). Instead I spend my time dreaming of the future, embracing autumn - the season of change (and my personal favourite), and intentionally doing things that I forgot I loved to do (cooking new recipe's, fallifying the house) while trying out some new things (green smoothies, veggie only meals).

Of course these good days are interspersed with the freak out ones too. Who doesn't have those right? But I feel that those kind of days are slowly being replaced by good ones, ones of contentment, peace and reliance on Jesus. Trusting is hard but when you practice it, it gets easier.