Unforming Habits

I have a few blog ideas tumbling around my brain. Snippets of thoughts in different degrees of formation. Things I think about on a fairly regular basis: what I should and shouldn't be eating, what I've learned through this experience and what does moving on or forward look like. And something I've been noticing and thinking about for a while - Sick Habits.

I have them. For instance: I watched a lot of tv while I was sick. And I'm a tv junkie - so when I say a lot - it really is a lot. But now that I'm recovered how do I say no to all my favourite shows? That's hard to do - but it's nearly impossible to watch them all and still do...well, anything. So I make rules for myself - only after the kids go to bed and not past 10. That way I'm limited. But if I've had a busy morning and I'm a bit tired I'll justify a show over lunch - I'm sitting down and eating anyway - what's the harm of tv?

And here comes another sick habit - eating while watching tv (or tv shows on my laptop). Yep - I know it's not good for you. You aren't paying attention to what your eating so you eat more, and instead of taking 20 minutes for lunch I end up taking 40 min (the amount of time it takes to watch an hour show without commercials.) And here's the thing - tv isn't all that motivating. It's not like I'm going to jump up from The Good Wife and feel like I'm ready to exercise for an hour or write or clean the house. Nope - it sort of takes my momentum and slams it into a brick wall. Suddenly all my creative ideas are gone and I'm thinking about what I just watched, what will happen next, etc. I'm tired of watching fake people live really exciting lives while I sit on the couch. I don't know if you've noticed but most people on tv shows aren't watching tv - ever.

And yet I love stories - they speak to me. So I know I won't give up all tv, I just need to learn to moderate it a bit.

One way of doing this is by breaking my other "sick" habit. Saying no to absolutely everything. I got really good at this. No to church, no to stuff at the kids school, no to any volunteering things I'd done in the past, no to company or outings with friends. Granted, until the spring I was too out of it to really do much anyway but it's fall now and I'm feeling better then I've felt in 16 months so it's time to start saying yes. And I have done that with a few things that I think I can handle. It's hard though - I love my space and I'm used to having a lot of down time. But it's good because I'm feeling useful again. I'm remembering that there are things I love to do.

And while I'm breaking some bad habits I might as well try to form some good ones. Exercise every day is one I'd love to nail. Eating plant based meals most of the time is another (I'm mostly good at this one). Writing something every day to get into that groove again, and spending time with Jesus every day. Simple things right? So why is it so hard?

What do you do to motivate yourself and form good habits? I'd love to know your tricks and tips.

Better go for now - Parenthood is on in 20 :)

Ahhhh, School

I had visions of how this day would go - this first day of school.

Everyone would wake up happy, excited and a bit nervous. They would pick out clothes from their "new clothes" stash, no issues with bumps or weird texture or itchy tags and then come and eat whatever breakfast I would put in front of them. There would be no complaints about the new homemade granola bars or the lack of pre-packaged school snacks. And with 5 minutes to spare we'd be in the car and on our way.

Oh reality - hello.

Instead of idyllic bliss I heard comments like (please read with whiny voice for full effect): "not that toast - mine has a weird seed in it - I'm not eating it." and "You know mom - I'm not going to eat these granola bars - their gross - don't even bother giving me one as a snack" and "I have nothing to wear. I hate the feeling of all my pants and nothing matches the shirt I picked!".

As well as: "My bag is too full. No I don't want to bring an extra plastic bag - it all must fit in my back pack - mom you are so frustrating." while my other darling starts crying: "now we're going to be late, Ana you're SO annoying, my stomach hurts." 

I tried for positivity and patience. Really, I did. But as the 10 year old voice started yelling so did mine. And while I'm telling her to just "DEAL WITH IT" I'm thinking - 'no, no. This is not how I wanted today to go.' I wanted to be positive and kind and loving and confident so they would feel those things too.

We did manage to get out the door, everyone fully clothed, apologies issued and accepted, and no tears (those came later). It was the perfect morning for back to school, sunny and warm with just the right amount of nerves.

Zachary did well. He was scared, I knew he would be but I hugged him and left him in his new classroom wiping his eyes while he waved with one hand. He's gonna do great this year. I feel it in my bones.

It feels like a new start for all of us. I'm 4 weeks out of Herceptin. And it was so great to not wait for the chemo room call last week. My port scar is healing nicely, I have energy, an actual hair style and a trip to Toronto coming on Friday. My mom is walking a 60 km walk to end women's cancers and RBC (the hosts of the walk) offered me a free flight so I could be there with her at the finish line. I'm excited to have a weekend away, to hang out with my family and to continue the celebration of being cancer free.

Done and Done

the banner the kids and grandma made for me to celebrate the final Herceptin.
It says - Love U Mom

I am officially port-a-cath free! I'm sitting here with half my chest still orange from the iodine and a bit sore. but I am now free of foreign objects! One of the nurses said today - 'you're back already?' I laughed at that - it's felt like an eternity to me. I've had this thing in since last May.

On August 9th I finished my last injection of Herceptin and as arranged by my Oncologist I went in for the removal of the port less then a week later. I love that she was as excited for me to get it removed as I was. It demonstrates her confidence in my disease-free state and while nothing is ever 'for sure' in this life - for today I'm cancer free.

I've had a great month, full of energy and joy and activity. My mom and dad were out visiting for the final injection and we managed to do a whole bunch of stuff with nary a nap to be seen. I love that I'm feeling more myself. I don't think I realized how tired I actually was these past 12 months, not until I started waking up a bit more, feeling a bit more normal.

We even went up Cascade Falls while they were here - not just the steps to the falls lookout (that's all I could do when we went there in October) but through the woods onto the river, rock jumping and climbing, with a bit of time spent paddling in the frigid water. And afterwards all I felt was the normal amount of tired. The nurses in the chemo room think I'm right on track with how I should be feeling. I'm almost a year out from chemo and things should be uphill from here.

And speaking of the chemo room - have I ever mentioned how great everyone was in there? In some ways I'll miss that place. The nurses were stellar. Never once did I feel like a number - or just another patient. I'm sure it helps that I went in 22 times! There's Jen, the nurse I saw 4 days after my first chemo. She was teaching Sam how to stick me in the stomach for my Nupogen shots. She asked how I was doing and I burst into tears. She was the one who told us to drink milkshakes which was probably the reason I gained 10 lbs in 2 months while hardly being able to eat! We've had a few good laughs over that first meeting. That was my lowest point for sure.

Then there's Janice who always remembered the names of my kids, who always made a point of coming to talk to me even when I wasn't her patient. She hugged me every time - she was very cool. Barb, who had great stories and tears for me on my last day, Eileen who knew all about Herceptin and could answer all my questions, Sue with her bright smile and tender care and all the others who I didn't know quite as well but always stopped by to say hi.

And the last day - after they de-accessed my port for the final time they all came around to hug me and wish me well. We cried a bit and made a little commotion which had the other patients smiling. They mentioned how wonderful it was for them to see a good outcome. So often in their job the news isn't good. My heart ached for all those I left behind in the chairs, bags of drugs dripping into their veins. In some ways its hard being a survivor.

A friend dropped off an 'all done' gift and in the card it said: "Can't wait to see where you go with your regained freedom" and I have to say - I can't wait to see where I go either.

Live Confidently: Living Confident

~Thought tangents from morning coffee time

I was talking to God this morning about stuff. Cancer, life, what now. You know - the usual. But I really wanted to know some things and was asking for some answers - specifically, I'd really like to know why I got cancer in the first place. We all know that God isn't always into answering 'why' questions but I thought I'd give it a whirl.

I'm tired of wondering if the changes I'm making are helping or not. Is it really necessary to not eat cheese and red meat, should I really cut back on the bbq, should I eat no meat at all or is a little okay, and really - no wine?! And now that it's summer I'm rethinking the no antiperspirant thing. There are two schools of thought on whether or not antiperspirant causes cancer (specifically the aluminum in it) so I stopped using it last year and didn't really miss it.

TMI alert: Until now. I'll be honest, I'm sweaty sometimes. And only under 1 armpit. It seems the armpit with the lymph nodes removed no longer sweats, which is cool, but it means I'm lopsided in the perspiration department and it really annoys me. And let's be honest, there are some situations you really want to control the sweat (like at the fundraiser I spoke at for instance!). So I gave in the other day and bought some antiperspirant and have worn it once or twice. But I can't help feeling guilty about it.

That's why I was asking God about this stuff - so I could stop worrying so much about every little thing. And I'd like to say He gave me a list of things I should avoid and things that are okay, but no. What I do feel like he said to me though was this: Don't despair. Keep going. Live Confidently.

That immediately made me think about Living and that quote people often say when talking about this subject. Live like it's your last day on earth. And while I agree with that to a point I think living confidently is so much more than that. It's about pressing through fear, making plans, living for the future. And it's about how you respond to those little things that you maybe would ignore if it really was your last day on earth.

Like I don't think you'd care about that preverbal 10 lbs if you weren't gonna be around anymore. You'd eat whatever you wanted and not care that the big fat bbq'd steak with the sugary marinade goes totally against your anti-cancer diet.

I think to Live Confidently you need to be Living Confident.

To me these are different ideas - 'Live Confidently' is like a thing to aspire to. It speaks to me of big ideas or big moves while 'Living Confident' is the messy, every day small things, type of living. How you respond frustrations, disappointments, or my personal nemesis - negative inner dialogue.

I'm tired of always kicking around the same annoying thoughts, the critical voice that tells me what I should and shouldn't do: You're too quiet, too out of shape, too fat, too tall for heels - You can't do that - it's way beyond you. I hate that voice and yet it often feels like my most constant companion. And that is not Living Confident. That's living scared and I don't want to do that anymore.

I'm going to borrow an example from that really spiritual tv show - What Not To Wear. :) If we're being honest, most people care about how they look. We care about how others perceive us. But often how we perceive ourselves is so so different from what others see. On What Not to Wear Stacy and Clinton work with whats in front of them. They encourage, they find the positives of every person they dress, big or small. They never say - 'you need to lose 20 lbs' or 'if only you were taller'. They pick out the beautiful in the person they are helping. And in doing so usually that person starts to see the beautiful too. I love that. I want to be able to pick out the beautiful in me. I wanna rock myself - don't you?

It's time to recognize those negative thoughts for what they are - LIES. Recognize them, grab them by the throat, shake em down and stomp. Replace with truth.

Ironically enough, shortly after this mini sermon to myself I was overcome by mind gripping, intense, overwhelming fear. I was sure I had more cancer, somewhere, everywhere. One new ache that lasted for about 30 seconds set this off. It wasn't the idea of cancer that was the lie - I could have it and not know - it's happened before! It was the fear that was the lie and I had the opportunity to practice Living Confident, over and over again until I believed the truth.

Mysteries of Memory

Peonies from the Farmer's Market. My new favourite!

I can not believe it's almost the end of June. The kids are excited to have only 3 days of school left. One of which will be spent at the watersides, while the other two will be equally non-productive I'm sure. Just what they need to get ready for summer. Not that it's felt like summer here - nope - not in the least. But since I always seem to complain about weather that's all I'm going to say about that!

Except I will say this. Our weather is a lot like last year and it's messing with my mind. I've been experiencing these weird memory triggers lately. I'll walk into my bedroom and smell the damp and feel the cold mugginess and it'll immediately bring me back to last year - complete with nausea and all the feelings attached with how sick I felt on chemo. How my bedroom felt like the sick room and especially how I just wished I could turn off my nose. I also remember always wanting fresh air but then I'd feel so cold I'd want the heat on. Last year I got anything I wanted but this year we're having a crack down on having the fire on and windows open at the same time.

One morning a few weeks ago, in that small space between sleeping and waking I felt the bone numbing weariness I used to feel last year after my chemo injections. I felt shaky, weak, sick and tired. I remember thinking 'what? - not this again.' and then I came fully awake, shook it off and laughed. Memory is a strange thing. Has anyone else experienced this? Sam thinks I'm crazy!

Besides that I'm feeling good. Quite tired but healthy. I have my third last herceptin treatment on Thursday. I'm looking forward to the end. If everything goes well I'll have my port-a-cath out in a month and a half. A very exciting event. My parents will be here for the end of treatment and hopefully the celebration of the port removal as well. Can't wait for that.

I had a first this month: I spoke at a breast cancer fundraising event. I'm not usually a public speaker -- I prefer to spend my time writing in the seclusion of my own home, letting people choose if they want to read it or not -- but it went well. I condensed the past 16 months into 4 pages (10 minutes read aloud) which was no easy feat. I didn't realize how much I had to say before I started writing it down. The feedback was great and I think it helped educate a lot of people on breast cancer, something I didn't set out to do but am so glad happened anyway. It was nerve wracking but I'd do it again in a heart beat.

And that, my friends, is what we'd chat about if you were at our house for coffee.

The joy of the afternoon nap

So it's been a while cause this month has been crazy. My mom came for a visit - which was wonderful and I've been working at a retreat centre run by friends of ours. A bit of office work and room cleaning while the regulars are on holidays. And with doing more stuff comes feeling more tired. I just can't shake it. I sleep well but by 3 or so in the afternoon I'm wasted (I've rediscovered afternoon naps and I'm trying not to feel guilty about them!) It's been good to be busy but I know I need to figure out how to balance work outside our home and the work I have in it! And it's frustrating because I want to feel normal again and it feels like it's taking a long time.

Plus I haven't had enough time to think or write or reflect on life which always makes me feel out of sorts. I've always known that I need time away to feel grounded, but coming out of this year - one of the hardest I've ever experienced - I feel like I need it so much more. Or maybe it just takes longer cause I have more stuff to sort through. Either way - it's a necessity for me.

What I love is that Jesus walks with me through the business. Even though I haven't been able to spend much time with only him he's still tracking with me, sustaining me. I feel his presence in good conversations with Sam, in a much needed nap that leaves me refreshed and not more tired, in lunch out with my mom, and the ability be fully present for my family.

As well as a really positive appointment with my oncologist last week. She was very pleased with my latest scans, how I'm doing in general and my positive attitude. I've had nagging back pain since I started the chemo drug called Paclitaxol way back in August so she checked my last bone scan and it shows the beginning of arthritis in my low back. Annoying, but at least it's not cancer. And she wasn't worried about my fatigue. I'm still in treatment after all, (she reminds me of this every appointment). When I'm done with Herceptin I should start to feel more energy. She also thinks I'm probably doing too much but she'd rather that then the opposite - so I guess I just keep on going.

When I think about what I was heading into last year this time I'm so thankful for where I'm at right now - tiredness and all.

Results and Updates

Was happy to read this today on my MRI report from April 13, 2012:
(breast MRI - not full body)

No new or recurrent disease identified.

Great news!

Also - I had my 12th Herceptin injection today. That means only 5 to go. August 9th should be my last one.

And - it seems that after 5 months on Tamoxifen I'm starting to feel a few side effects (or else I'm just really crabby from all the rain we've been having). These include the grouchies, quick flashes of anger, and some pretty annoying back and leg pain, especially when it's rainy out. Of course it's hard to say that these are all related to the drug but it fits with what everything I've read on the matter. I've noticed that exercise helps with all of the above so I'm trying my hardest to get out every day and move.

That's it for today folks!