Progress in Peace

In my journal back in January I wrote this: 'Jesus - I’m weary. I’m weary of being strong. I’m weary of being strong enough to handle stuff - physically, emotionally, etc. I’m not strong enough to handle it all. I’m tired. I need peace in my house, in my kids, in Sam. Peace and restfulness. Peace and contentment. Peace and breath. The peace that settles after a good day, when the house is quiet and everyone falls asleep without problems. The kind of peace that I don’t feel right now. Or very often - truth be told - not anymore.' 

It seems with each inch of hair that grows the more peace we experience in this house. The kids are finally starting to trust again. I wanted to say trust me - but I don’t think it was me they didn’t really trust just the me that was sick for a year. The me that had cancer. The me that had to remind them how to call 911 and that they should run to the neighbours if mommy just didn’t seem right or passed out or something (that was quite the anxiety producing conversation!)

Sam's travelled a few times this year already. After a year of him being at home and more often then not the primary care giver for all of us, it was stressful for the kids the first time he went away. But I'm happy to report progress. They are sleeping better, listening better, better able to handle stress. It feels like they trust me to take care of them. I like that. It's been a whole year of anxiety and stress. We've had many many anxious nights plus tears, anger, frustration, fear. So this is a good thing.

Ana saw my port the other day and asked why I still had it in. I forget that they don’t even know that I go for herceptin every 3 weeks - not that we’re keeping it from them, I just don’t want to bother them with all the appointments. Plus I can do it while they’re in school so there’s no reason for them to be anxious about it. They see me as healthy, happy, getting stronger and they see the hair and know that a chapter in our lives, a very hard, yucky chapter is coming to a close. But just like with any book all future chapters will have the taint or knowledge of what came before. This will always be a part of us and in some ways I’m glad. I’m glad they know that people get sick or that some moms or dads could die. There may be friends that could lose a parent or go through a tough time and even if my kids aren’t directly relating to them they get it. They understand grief, heart ache and sadness. And I hope they also understand more about what it is to trust in God. I'm so glad that Jesus has a special place in his heart for children.

Even though I believe the kids are doing better I think I’m having a hard time believing I am going to be okay. Yeah - a lot of people are fine after an early diagnosed breast cancer but there are also many that aren’t. I pray every day I’m in the 80% that doesn’t get cancer again, not the 20%. But only God knows and I think the idea is to live each day as if it could end at any moment while still fully living. No easy feat, that.