On Friday...

I forced myself out the door. I needed to walk, to clear my head, to get the blood flowing. It was grey again but no rain fell. I made myself walk farther then usual, off the street, down into the woods. It was quiet, still. I breathed deeply and let it out slowly - it smelled like fresh greens and damp earth.

And there, tucked away - a trillium. Just one, almost hidden among the profusion of the new bright green growth of spring that carpeted the forest floor. I slowed, searched the ravine, and there, another one. Not a hillside of flowers. Nothing so excessive as that. But a gift all the same, just one I had to work for, to search out. One perfect trillium...then another, and over there...one more.

And then...Ahhh, the sun.

Progress in Peace

In my journal back in January I wrote this: 'Jesus - I’m weary. I’m weary of being strong. I’m weary of being strong enough to handle stuff - physically, emotionally, etc. I’m not strong enough to handle it all. I’m tired. I need peace in my house, in my kids, in Sam. Peace and restfulness. Peace and contentment. Peace and breath. The peace that settles after a good day, when the house is quiet and everyone falls asleep without problems. The kind of peace that I don’t feel right now. Or very often - truth be told - not anymore.' 

It seems with each inch of hair that grows the more peace we experience in this house. The kids are finally starting to trust again. I wanted to say trust me - but I don’t think it was me they didn’t really trust just the me that was sick for a year. The me that had cancer. The me that had to remind them how to call 911 and that they should run to the neighbours if mommy just didn’t seem right or passed out or something (that was quite the anxiety producing conversation!)

Sam's travelled a few times this year already. After a year of him being at home and more often then not the primary care giver for all of us, it was stressful for the kids the first time he went away. But I'm happy to report progress. They are sleeping better, listening better, better able to handle stress. It feels like they trust me to take care of them. I like that. It's been a whole year of anxiety and stress. We've had many many anxious nights plus tears, anger, frustration, fear. So this is a good thing.

Ana saw my port the other day and asked why I still had it in. I forget that they don’t even know that I go for herceptin every 3 weeks - not that we’re keeping it from them, I just don’t want to bother them with all the appointments. Plus I can do it while they’re in school so there’s no reason for them to be anxious about it. They see me as healthy, happy, getting stronger and they see the hair and know that a chapter in our lives, a very hard, yucky chapter is coming to a close. But just like with any book all future chapters will have the taint or knowledge of what came before. This will always be a part of us and in some ways I’m glad. I’m glad they know that people get sick or that some moms or dads could die. There may be friends that could lose a parent or go through a tough time and even if my kids aren’t directly relating to them they get it. They understand grief, heart ache and sadness. And I hope they also understand more about what it is to trust in God. I'm so glad that Jesus has a special place in his heart for children.

Even though I believe the kids are doing better I think I’m having a hard time believing I am going to be okay. Yeah - a lot of people are fine after an early diagnosed breast cancer but there are also many that aren’t. I pray every day I’m in the 80% that doesn’t get cancer again, not the 20%. But only God knows and I think the idea is to live each day as if it could end at any moment while still fully living. No easy feat, that.

News Flash: I'm an Introvert

We just returned from a sunny and hot vacation. Oooh I loved the sun and the heat and the endless blue skies. It was glorious. We also were able to spend a good week with family. The kids loved hanging out with their cousins - swimming, playing games, laughing and having a grand ole time. Arizona - you were good to us!

Vacations always leave me feeling a bit unsettled, or maybe unbalanced is a good way of putting it. It's like I forget exactly who I am and it puts me off. I've known this for a long time but it sort of dawned on me yesterday that duh - I'm an introvert. When I'm with people all week, visiting, hanging out, etc., I forget (or don't have time) to spend time with me. Alone time, time to remember, to reconnect with what gives me passion and life. Time with Jesus and my own thoughts.

Sam and I had a two day respite during the middle of our week in Arizona and that made all the difference for me. Suddenly - after a few days away I was quiet again inside and could really enjoy the final days spent together with everyone.

What was very interesting to me was watching Ana (who is an extrovert by the way) become more herself with each day spent with her cousins. She relished the activity, the games, the jokes and hanging out with Grandma and Grandpa. We had a bad case of the grumpies around our house after the first 5 really boring, slow days of spring break but by the end of the second week (for the most part) she was calm and happy and her old sweet self. She needed the action, the socializing to get energized and balanced. Totally the opposite of her Mama! And when she got home, by the way, it was immediately friends time - catching up with all the girls in our complex that she hadn't seen in a week. A Whole Week Mom!

I recently read the introduction of a book called Quiet: The power of Introverts in a world that can't stop talking. It was a gift for someone else so I couldn't hang onto it but it resonated with me and I'm planning to get my own copy some day soon. The author gives a great talk about some of the ideas in the book here. It's 20 minutes but very good if you're like me and always feel like you need to work at being more chatty and fun OR if you really don't get what I'm talking about cause time alone sounds like a death sentence - it's for you too!

As for everything else. Feeling great most of the time. I'm planning a 3-5 day juice fast/cleanse in the next week or so. I'll let you know how that goes. I'm easing in slowly - cutting down to 1 coffee a day, green juice for breaky and veggies for lunch, no sugar... you get the idea! I'm also thinking about getting back into the working world. I'm very undecided about this though. It would help us out to have a financial cushion each month and it would help me get back into real life but I don't want to be away from the kids too much and summer's coming too - hmmm what to do what to do. Any words or ideas for me on this would be appreciated!

Until next time...

A 'Healthy' Balance

So much of my time I spend remembering what it was like last year, the days and weeks after I found out I had cancer. Some of it feels like a dream, some of it I can hardly remember but some things are so clear to me it's crazy. Like how I felt when I wrote that very first blog post and how I could hardly comprehend exactly what was happening. It took me a few weeks before I started actually calling it cancer. I just couldn't wrap my head around it. I had no idea what was ahead of me but I felt a weird adrenaline kicking in. Change was happening, a journey was starting.

Today I read a blog post by a blogger I follow regularly. Last year at this time Amy was going through radiation therapy for breast cancer and her words, her weariness, rang so true to me, I wept reading it, remembering those emotions (ones that still take me unawares from time to time.) You can read it here: Amy's blog

In my last post I talked about the circulating tumour cell test that I could take. It tests your blood for cancer cells. Lots is bad, few is good. But Sam and I are leaning towards not taking it. The main reason is -- do I really want to know? And what will I do with the information. Rather lets put our money towards things that will make me as healthy as possible.

Which brings me to another thing I think about daily - being healthy. And frankly its exhausting. This week I was so tired of thinking about vegetables and making salads and what I'm not supposed to eat that I took a break. I ate chips and salsa for lunch almost every day, made meals I knew the kids would love and just let it go. I'm doing my best folks but it's darn hard! If I have a bunch of chocolate (darn those cadbury mini eggs), or pasta with cream sauce or heaven forbid a hamburger I feel like I'm inviting cancer back into my body. A bit irrational - I know, but something I'm having a hard time letting go of. There must be a place of balance in this after cancer life and I need to find it. Any other cancer crushers out there who have felt this?

Health wise I'm doing well. I have a lot of tightness around my surgery sites, I think radiation aggravated all that tissue again so I'm stretching it out and trying to strengthen up all those muscles that have gone unused for the better part of a year. Ouch. And one thing I'm super pumped about: my Oncologist is sending me for an MRI in addition to my annual mammogram. I'm especially thankful after researching and realizing that mammograms have a very small percentage of accuracy for someone my age. MRI's on the other hand are much more accurate. Close to 100% accurate according to my naturopath. That'll be coming up in the next month or two. Tamoxifen so far has absolutely no side effects that I notice and I'm half done with the Herceptin injections.

And if you were at our house for coffee these days we'd be talking about our upcoming trip to Phoenix Arizona to visit Sam's brother and sister-n-law and their 3 kids as well as Grandma and Grandpa who are staying near by. We're all very excited for some sun and warmth and to get away from the incessant rain we've been experiencing for - oh lets say about 6 months. The photo at the top is from Arizona. I dream of the sun and heat a few times every day!

I also want to thank my friend Leanne who mentioned me on her blog because (I think) I can. Your comments meant a lot to me - thank you.

Thursday Ramblings and an Anniversary

Lots has been going on since we got back from Ontario. Our bathrooms were finished. I painted them and then had to move on to our bedroom - cause you know - when one room looks stellar all of a sudden all the rooms near by don't look so hot any more. But the painting is done (at least for now - I have some more painting plans for the future) and the bathrooms look a-mazing! And if anyone in the area is planning a reno I have the name of a good contractor who's finishing work is exceptional. Pictures will come eventually - but I have to clean them first!

We've been having some sleep struggles with the kids. Last time I talked about this it was Zach who was having a hard time. An update: He's doing great! He's sleeping well, in his bed, all night - no more floor sleeping! Yippee and Thank you Jesus because it was stressing us out. Unfortunately Ana has taken up the 'I can't sleep' mantra, and it really is like a mantra to her - she starts saying it an hour before bed and makes it true. We've tried a few things over the past weeks but most don't work for more then 1 night.

The other night I decided to get her baby blankie down. This thing is ratty - we burst out laughing when we saw it - it's full of stringy holes, all of which have been lovingly patched and sewn and reknit until it isn't even possible to fix it further. But it's cozy and soft and totally gives her comfort. She's had it 2 nights now and has slept well both nights. We're praying (and begging) that it continues.

A year ago Tuesday (Feb.21) I had my biopsy. The biopsy that confirmed and diagnosed breast cancer. I remember that appointment so vividly and I have to say I was clueless. No one had actually said 'cancer' to me yet but the ultrasound tech was so kind and calm. It was so unlike the brisk efficiency of other routine tests I'd had done. It was slow. And methodically explained. And of course she asked the question that I'd begun to expect. 'You're so young - did you find the lump yourself?'

Looking back I feel like I should have known I had cancer. I even asked to see the biopsy tissue - 2 skinny worms of flesh in some sort of water. Now I know that solid biopsy tissue like that is most likely cancer** but at the time I had no idea. And of course I was told it would be at least a week for the results. So I put it out of my mind, we went away to a funeral and didn't really think about it. Until we came home to 5 messages on the answering machine from my doctor's office asking me to call. The last one from him directly. That's never good.

Now that I'm coming up on my first post cancer mammogram I'm starting to get nervous. I'm starting to think about what if's again and I definitely don't want to do that. I have to go back to what my doc told me last year this time. One step at a time.

One thing that is different then last year is how much I know now about cancer, and the process and I'm realizing ignorance really is bliss! My naturopathic oncologist is suggesting I do a test called the circulating tumour cell test. Not yet done in Canada, this blood test determines if I have cancer cells floating around my blood or not. It would be costly but would give me more information. And should I just get a mammogram or push for an MRI for my yearly screening (also not standard procedure but way more accurate)? Also I have no side effects with Tamoxafen which I'm so glad about but does that mean it's not working? And if not then what?

From everything I've read it's pretty normal to feel uncertain after cancer treatment. You've been focusing on fixing the problem for so long, suddenly you're back at the beginning again - only this time with more knowledge and the hope that the problem really did get fixed (cause lets be honest - chemo is not an exact science). Through all these questions I'm trying to focus on the future, on my family, on feeling healthy and getting back into shape, on not being sick anymore.

And I'm trying to remember all the truth I learned from Jesus this year. His near and never ending presence, his faithfulness, his care and compassion, most of all his supremacy. I'm reminded that we trusted him with the big decisions back in March (surgery), May (chemo) and October (radiation), and we will trust him with these decisions too.

And I have hair! About 2 weeks ago I said 'see ya' to the scarves
hats and wigs. It's short but it's not bald!

**Is this true? I read somewhere that benign tumours are liquid compared to cancerous which are solid but I didn't actually confirm it.

Ontario and back again

The kids and I just got back from Ontario. We had a great time visiting everyone, hanging out, eating good food and all the fun stuff that comes with family. It was a fun trip. Find some highlights below! 

Today Zach turns 8. His request for dinner was Butter Chicken and Naan bread. I think we can handle that!

I'm doing well. Getting some hair. It's all sticky-uppy now but doesn't look too bad. I still wear a hat out, mostly cause it's so cold on my head without one. 

Keep praying for us. Sleep is still a struggle for the kids (and then for us of course) we're working on it but it's not easy when everyone is extra tired. 

And on a happy note, I'm writing this to the sound of saws and banging cause our bathrooms are getting redone. The tile is going up today and I love it. I can't wait to have a bath in our new deep soaker tub (although we're having a mini fight about who will bet to use it first!). 

Forgive my picture taking abilities. It's almost embarrassing how dim and weird-coloured they are. I should really take a class. Especially since our good friends are fabulous photographers and offer classes fairly regularly!

On our way. The kids did homework on the flight to Ontario but didn't crack a book after that!

Yeah for snow!

Enjoyed a morning at the Marilyn Denis show. We all got a free pasta cooker! My mom is beside me, my sister in the green and my Aunt Pam on the far side! This is the best picture too - could it be the lighting?

The boys getting ready for the big game. My brother has pictures from the game but I don't have them yet so I couldn't share.

Great Wolf Lodge water park was so awesome.

Ana got a mani-pedi for her special treat (since Zac got to go to a Maple Leafs game)

The amazing cakes decorated by Auntie Rochelle.

We got together to celebrate Zach's birthday on Saturday. 

The cake decorator!

Me and Grandpa. Look - I'm getting hair! It's short but it's there.

Presents.

Thoughts to Action

After my optimism of beginning a new year, my bold declaration of dreams, ideas and hope, and my deep-seated need to really Live this year, I find myself a bit stuck. How does that actually translate into action? The first 10 days of 2012 feel exactly like all the other days and it frustrates me a little bit.

Partly it's that I've come down with the first cold since I've had cancer (what? A cold? Now that my immune system is supposed to be back up in working order?) Not once during chemo did I get sick (outside of the actual "treatment" that is) but now I do. Weird.

But I think it's more then feeling under the weather for the past week. Partly it's that I'm not sure where to go from here. I want to keep moving forward, living well, with purpose, and now that cancer is slowly moving towards the rearview mirror I'm finding a lack of focus. I was talking to Sam about this today and he thought this year should have helped clear up priorities. And it has in the sense that I know what I don't want to spend my time doing but it hasn't really helped me know what I should do instead. And I'm also realizing that I still have to do all the regular stuff. Clean, laundry, figure out what to make for dinner every. darn. night. And that stuff isn't really life giving or fun it's just life. I'm glad to be doing it - but what else?

And then there is writing. After Zach was born I started writing a novel. A fantasy novel about lots of fantastical things. I started writing because I was so immersed in babies that I needed an outlet. Something that used they dying parts of my brain, something that wasn't about diapers, baby puke and incessant crying (I love you Zachy but you did all of those things!). I have over 500,000 words written in a myriad of documents on my hard drive. Some good, most mediocre but it forms a loose book with lots of holes. Do I go back to it? Crack it open, try again? Is this something that I want to spend my time doing. My post-cancer, you never know what's gonna happen time?

Sam thinks I should write about cancer. That's sort of what I've been doing here but I could expand, go back and relive it all. Maybe or maybe not yet.

In my deepest heart I believe that God gives us dreams. Dreams that we're scared to admit to others or even to ourselves. Something we just want to do so badly - yet saying it out loud is terrifying. But when we do it we feel right. At peace, content. Writing is sort of like that for me.

Upon reflection, that sounds an awful lot like an answer. At least to part of the question.

Now the hard part - translating thoughts to action.