Sunday, June 24, 2012

Mysteries of Memory

Peonies from the Farmer's Market. My new favourite!
I can not believe it's almost the end of June. The kids are excited to have only 3 days of school left. One of which will be spent at the watersides, while the other two will be equally non-productive I'm sure. Just what they need to get ready for summer. Not that it's felt like summer here - nope - not in the least. But since I always seem to complain about weather that's all I'm going to say about that!

Except I will say this. Our weather is a lot like last year and it's messing with my mind. I've been experiencing these weird memory triggers lately. I'll walk into my bedroom and smell the damp and feel the cold mugginess and it'll immediately bring me back to last year - complete with nausea and all the feelings attached with how sick I felt on chemo. How my bedroom felt like the sick room and especially how I just wished I could turn off my nose. I also remember always wanting fresh air but then I'd feel so cold I'd want the heat on. Last year I got anything I wanted but this year we're having a crack down on having the fire on and windows open at the same time.

One morning a few weeks ago, in that small space between sleeping and waking I felt the bone numbing weariness I used to feel last year after my chemo injections. I felt shaky, weak, sick and tired. I remember thinking 'what? - not this again.' and then I came fully awake, shook it off and laughed. Memory is a strange thing. Has anyone else experienced this? Sam thinks I'm crazy!

Besides that I'm feeling good. Quite tired but healthy. I have my third last herceptin treatment on Thursday. I'm looking forward to the end. If everything goes well I'll have my port-a-cath out in a month and a half. A very exciting event. My parents will be here for the end of treatment and hopefully the celebration of the port removal as well. Can't wait for that.

I had a first this month: I spoke at a breast cancer fundraising event. I'm not usually a public speaker -- I prefer to spend my time writing in the seclusion of my own home, letting people choose if they want to read it or not -- but it went well. I condensed the past 16 months into 4 pages (10 minutes read aloud) which was no easy feat. I didn't realize how much I had to say before I started writing it down. The feedback was great and I think it helped educate a lot of people on breast cancer, something I didn't set out to do but am so glad happened anyway. It was nerve wracking but I'd do it again in a heart beat.

And that, my friends, is what we'd chat about if you were at our house for coffee.