Friday, May 10, 2013

2 Years and Counting

Two years ago I was recovering from 2 surgeries and getting ready for chemo. I still had my hair. I didn't know what was in store for me. And wow - it was so very hard. The hardest thing I've gone through - physically and emotionally. Hard for Sam and the kids. Hard for my mom and dad and Sam's mom and dad. Just Hard.

I had my yearly scans in the past 3 weeks and I'm pleased to report there is no evidence of malignancy. Yippee! Along with my yearly breast MRI I also had a mammogram. I went back forth about having this scan. I've read many many many articles about the risks (it's radiation after all) and the benefits (it's helped detect early pre-cancerous tumours). My family doc supported me not doing it. He felt that I didn't need to be exposed to the extra radiation and that I was covered with the breast MRI but I couldn't say no to it. I tried but it left me feeling exposed and vulnerable. Crazy right? So I had both.

And they're clear! (Well - the mammogram report isn't back yet but I'm holding out hope it will give the same report as the MRI.)

I feel like I can breath for another year. I can plan for things and live.

But I also have felt a little bit down. Not all days are as positive and hopeful as this one is. Some days are a struggle. I struggle to get out of bed, to do normal activities. Some days I'm just sad or overwhelmed. Some days I lack motivation for anything. This spring I've had a hard time being the organized control freak that I usually am. I don't know what we're having for supper and I don't clean my house as regularly. Some days all I want to do is watch Grey's Anatomy on Netflix or read a whole novel. From what I read this is normal and while I'm grateful to be normal I'm ready to be sad less and joyful more often. But it's coming - I can feel it coming!


  1. Oh Heidi! This is great news!!!

    So happy for you! So what if you can't get around to planning and controlling freaking like before, that's okay and is maybe making room for who you are now... may you find your focus shifting to "you get to LIVE"!

    Adjusting and recouping and figuring out all that cancer was and has been is huge, be gentle with yourself. May you find a burst of joy for one little thing in each day, and may that 'one little thing' grow and bring more joy and more to you and to your family.

    Praying peace and happiness for your days!!!

    1. Kristin - you are such an encouragement. Even in the depths of your circumstances you encourage me. By the way - I pray that second paragraph right back at you. thanks for being a friend.

  2. Hey Heidi - you know, my mom went through a VERY similar thing about a year after all of her chemo/radiation was done. She just felt "down", and really struggled to understand WHY. She felt like she SHOULD be happy..she SHOULD be jumping up and down with joy that she was finished her "year" with cancer and all was well. But she struggled. The doctors said that a big reason for her feelings were that she had just spent a long time being taken-care-of by doctors, chemo treatments, being checked over weekly by doctors, etc. and suddenly, now that she was finished, she was "on her own", in a sense. She didn't have doctors to talk to every week or so. And it was a bit scary to think about trying to begin a "normal" life again. took a little while, but she is doing amazing these days. It's been over 10 years since she had cancer!!! Wishing you a wonderful Mother's Day...and praying that the "joy" you desire will be quick in coming...

  3. Heidi, again you've taken the words right out of my mouth. Here's to more joyful days!

  4. Hi Heidi! I just got reading through a few of your posts and I had a quick question. I am involved in the cancer community and was hoping you could email me back when you get the chance. Thanks! - emilywalsh688@gmail(dot)com.


  5. Just thinking of you and wishing you and your family a Happy New Year!