The hair is the richest ornament of women - Martin Luther

I've been thinking ahead. I know – I said I wouldn't but with my first appointment with the Medical Oncologist on May20 – just one week from today I can't seem to help it.

The one thing I think about the most? Hair. Yes - I have cancer. A tumor was cut out of my body. I still can't stretch my arm or straighten my elbow and I'm thinking about hair. Or more to the point – the imminent lack of hair. Some hair I'm okay going without. Come on ladies – who wouldn't agree with me? To not have to shave your legs or underarms for an entire summer is a wonderful perk. Unfortunately along with that hair I will also lose eyebrows, eyelashes and the hair on my head.

I've always complained about my hair. Too thin, too limp, too mousy brown, not curly enough, not straight enough but now that I'm faced with the daunting prospect of actually not having it at all I find I will miss it dearly and that maybe it's not so bad. And it's not just the baldness but the how of the baldness that plagues me. How will it fall out? In patches? Over a few days or a few weeks? Will it be messy? Will it hurt? Will I always have ugly stubbly parts that never fall out? Should I shave my head in anticipation without even knowing if I'll actually lose my hair or just cut it short? And when should I do this? And who should do it for me – my wonderful hairdresser (and I wonder what she would charge for that!)? And will I like scarves, or hats or wigs?

I was on a website the other day that specialized in real hair systems (that's what they call it now instead of wig). It sounded great. You go in for a consultation and they take pictures of your hair, order hair that is similar, it comes in you put it on (supposedly a very comfortable fit) and then she cuts it to look like your hair. Great. I was totally into that. Maybe this wouldn't be too bad. A wig that doesn't look like a wig. My hopes were then dashed as I searched and finally located the price (buried in pages of FAQ's) of an estimated 1400 to 2200 dollars. $2000 dollars for something I hopefully won't have to wear after 6 months. My vanity does have a price. So far in my life I hadn't yet discovered what that price limit was – now I have. It's $2000 dollars for a wig, even if it is the best looking wig I've ever seen.

So scarves it is – I can get a nice one for $60 and I know the cancer centre has some for free (although I sort of doubt their trendiness). And maybe hats if I can find the cool deep ones that will cover some of my ears so they don't stick out! And maybe I'll rock the baldness.

That's what I hope. I hope that when the time comes all this speculation and freaking out will amount to nothing. I'll laugh while they shave my head and wonder what on earth I was worried about. I hope that I'll take it all in stride. With the matter of fact attitude I've been able to treat surgery 1 and 2. That no hair will be more liberating then embarrassing. That I'll I sit outside, go for walks, and have coffee with friends even though I'm bald and everyone will be staring at me. That Ana and Zach will get over the creepiness of a bald mamma with relative ease.

You know what the funny thing is? I haven't even heard yet which drugs the Oncologist will recommend. Maybe they'll be the non-hair falling out ones. One can only hope!