Yesterday was beautiful. Warm, sunny and the perfect day for an elegant wedding. A dear friend was married in a church full of echo's, arches, and stained glass, a huge pipe organ and amazing amounts of love. Watching her joy (and of course his:-) was the fulfillment of things I know to be true but don't always see. The true and pure and personal love that Jesus has for us was so evident. He holds us close in our darkest hours and sees us through in ways we can not imagine.Her story is not mine to tell, but the truth of the personal love of Jesus is universal. And I cling to that in my own journey through the shadows. I'm in the midst of it right now. Last week I had a portacath inserted (you can google it if you really want to know what it's all about!). It was an uncomfortable procedure and it bugs me a bit to have it under my skin but hopefully I will get used to it. On Thursday I start my first chemo treatment. I'm nervous about the unknown but still optimistic that I'll get through (what other choice do I have after-all).
This week I've felt like life is on hold. I wonder often what I would be doing if I wasn't going through cancer treatments. What would bring purpose to my days, what would I be reading or writing or doing with the kids?
I've had the desire to start something new. To start running or sewing or a new exercise dvd, go to yoga or plan fun things for the kids this summer. So far I haven't done any of it since I don't know if I'll be able to keep it up once treatments start.
But the desire to keep going with life is huge. Fun, productive and satisfying life. So I'm going to start new things. Despite the start of chemo on Thursday, which I guess is technically a new thing but in my mind not fun enough to count, I will move forward with living. I am going to sew a Messenger Bag (the Amy Butler pattern). I am going to get out in the sun and walk (and maybe run). I'm going to have fun with the kids when I can and not get too discouraged if I can't. I'm going to go on dates with Sam.
And I will trust God with my worries about side effects and outcomes and lean on his promises. I will remember that he is my physician and actively cares about what is happening in my body.
awww, Heidi...you are a treasure
ReplyDeleteHeidi, your words touch my heart very deeply. You are such an incredible woman. You are so strong and at the same time, you are not afraid to be transparent in the difficult times. Not everyone is willing to be as real. You have a faith that resounds with boldness - I love that about you. You are right, God is your physician and He cares very deeply for you. He has made you for His great purposes and He delights in your desire to live life fully. Take each day one step at a time. I know, that seems like a cliche...but really, each day taken one step at a time, in His full embrace and care and with your eyes fixed on His love for you, will surely help to guide your way. xoxo
ReplyDeleteEven though we are further away in miles, you and your family are on and in our hearts as we travel. I don't think a day goes by when we're not thinking of you and wondering how you're doing which leads to prayer. Makaela REALLY misses Ana.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing. Am holding you in prayers extra this week. Can't wait to see that Messenger Bag as you add a fun 'something new' into the holding pattern of your days! If 'one day at a time' is too much some days, remember 'moment by moment' counts just as much and can be just as rewarding to get through!!
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Hmmm, my verification word on this comment is "Chief"... not only is God your physician, but he is the Cheif... in charge of the hospital and the staffing and the treatment and every little step of the journey. Praying God's best blessings on your family extra these days!
You guys are all awesome. I'm so blessed to have such great friends. And thank you for praying. Please don't stop!
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