Wow, What a week. I finally feel that my mind has reconnected with my body, the under-the-surface tremors have stopped and my stomach is mostly calm, except for a few hours in the morning when it feels gnawing and empty and generally unpleasant. I wasn't sure what to expect and boy it was bad. Sam says he feels like I disappeared for 4 days and that's totally how it felt. I hardly remember anything about the weekend except for wishing for sleep. But he really took care of me and the kids. His love and attention got me through the worst of it.It still isn't easy. Today was a downer day. I felt tired, despondent, and like there is a long long summer of crappiness ahead of me. I'm trying to fix my mind on that day in October when I'll be done the chemo injections but man, it feels far away from today.
I thought I would be able to do this. To hunker down, survive on my own but I can't. I've asked my mom to come for the next round and she is. It'll be so good to have her here. Company for Sam when I'm in bed at 7 pm and also help with the house. There's something about a mom that makes me feel settled inside. She's got it. She'll take care of it.
And I've decided that emotionally I need to have people around. This is big for Independent Me. I've realized I need distractions and things to pass the time so I'm happy that we have a stream of company coming through. My mom, my brother and sis-in-law, Sam's mom and dad are bringing their 5th wheel and camping at Fort Langley. Then Sam's brother and sis-in-law, my parents again, Sam's parents again! It seems like a lot but suddenly I'm so thankful for all our family. I may not feel like visiting a lot but when I do there'll be people to visit with. And what a provision of fun for our kids during what could have been a pretty boring summer.
(oh-and the sunny picture is my longing for summer to finally attend us.)
You are such a beautiful, strong woman, Heidi. I'm praying that God will give you strength and the peace that passes all understanding.
ReplyDeleteI remember when we were moving out so we could get to Abby last summer and we needed SO MUCH help... It was hard (so hard) for me to ask for help but there just was no way without it. And the love that I felt when we let people help us was incredible. Yet, I still struggle with the asking. I'm glad God's helping you with knowing you need help and pray He will give you great joy in letting people help your fam b/c I know they will be so glad to be able to bless you... (I wish we could!)
ReplyDeleteYou never outgrow wanting your mom around, and a mom never stops being a mom no matter the age. You're right, something about "mom " around brings a sense of calm. I'm glad she is able to get back out there. Wish we could do more, but our prayers will join with all the others in carrying you through the days and weeks to come
ReplyDeleteYou don't have to 'hunker down and survive on your own' Heidi. God's provision of the concept of family is exactly for a time like this. Your mom was there when you were little, and it doesn't matter if you were 60, mom's presence still makes a difference. I'm glad she will be there with you. October may seem like an eternity away, but it will arrive, just in time for Christmas.
ReplyDeleteYou can do it, Heidi! I know you can! And if I can be one of 'your people' you know I am willing. Already praying you through the moments... and when your tummy is craving a Sbucks moment, you know I'll meet you or take you there!
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