Presence

My mom asked me the other day what the cancer experience has changed about me. Aside from the physical changes like diet and exercise, surgery and chemo side effects that may or may not be permanent, I'm really not too sure.

When people ask me what I feel like God is teaching me through all this I have to admit that I don't know. Not yet and maybe not ever. I haven't had any amazing "God" moments or audible declarations about why my family and I are going through this. We've struggled with fear, anxiety, unsettledness, horrible side effects. We've prayed and prayed for peace and mercy and healing but I still have to go through the medical process and I haven't been miraculously spared side effects or hair loss or anything like that.

But when I was thinking about this - what I realized as I looked back (or even as I go through today) is that what I feel and have felt for the past 9 months is Presence. We weren't alone, we aren't alone. I feel like Jesus turned his face toward us. Cared for us, cried with us, loved us, provided us with what we needed when we needed it, guided us into decisions and gave us peace when we doubted the decisions we made.

Sometimes these provisions were as small as a comment on this blog - cheering me on - written on a day when I felt like I couldn't take one more step, or as important as providing meals for my family when we had no energy to even open the fridge. But also providing someone to clean my house, fun for our kids, social times when we needed it and quietness when we needed that. I'm just so thankful.

And those other changes I talked about - maybe I'll post more on that later. We've discovered the wonder of juicing and are scouting all the markets around us for organic vegetables. Today I found a little gem called Silver Hills that is so much more then just bread - 2 minutes from my house and I didn't even know it!

And for an update: Chemo is done! Yeah for that. Radiation starts on November 17 and I'll have 20 sessions total - Monday to Friday, finishing on December 14. I still go every 3 weeks for Herceptin injections which are only 30 minutes or so and have very little side effects. I'm not quite done but with chemo over it feels like a really bleak chapter in my life is over and it's all up hill from here.