Friday, March 2, 2012

A 'Healthy' Balance

So much of my time I spend remembering what it was like last year, the days and weeks after I found out I had cancer. Some of it feels like a dream, some of it I can hardly remember but some things are so clear to me it's crazy. Like how I felt when I wrote that very first blog post and how I could hardly comprehend exactly what was happening. It took me a few weeks before I started actually calling it cancer. I just couldn't wrap my head around it. I had no idea what was ahead of me but I felt a weird adrenaline kicking in. Change was happening, a journey was starting.

Today I read a blog post by a blogger I follow regularly. Last year at this time Amy was going through radiation therapy for breast cancer and her words, her weariness, rang so true to me, I wept reading it, remembering those emotions (ones that still take me unawares from time to time.) You can read it here: Amy's blog

In my last post I talked about the circulating tumour cell test that I could take. It tests your blood for cancer cells. Lots is bad, few is good. But Sam and I are leaning towards not taking it. The main reason is -- do I really want to know? And what will I do with the information. Rather lets put our money towards things that will make me as healthy as possible.

Which brings me to another thing I think about daily - being healthy. And frankly its exhausting. This week I was so tired of thinking about vegetables and making salads and what I'm not supposed to eat that I took a break. I ate chips and salsa for lunch almost every day, made meals I knew the kids would love and just let it go. I'm doing my best folks but it's darn hard! If I have a bunch of chocolate (darn those cadbury mini eggs), or pasta with cream sauce or heaven forbid a hamburger I feel like I'm inviting cancer back into my body. A bit irrational - I know, but something I'm having a hard time letting go of. There must be a place of balance in this after cancer life and I need to find it. Any other cancer crushers out there who have felt this?

Health wise I'm doing well. I have a lot of tightness around my surgery sites, I think radiation aggravated all that tissue again so I'm stretching it out and trying to strengthen up all those muscles that have gone unused for the better part of a year. Ouch. And one thing I'm super pumped about: my Oncologist is sending me for an MRI in addition to my annual mammogram. I'm especially thankful after researching and realizing that mammograms have a very small percentage of accuracy for someone my age. MRI's on the other hand are much more accurate. Close to 100% accurate according to my naturopath. That'll be coming up in the next month or two. Tamoxifen so far has absolutely no side effects that I notice and I'm half done with the Herceptin injections.

And if you were at our house for coffee these days we'd be talking about our upcoming trip to Phoenix Arizona to visit Sam's brother and sister-n-law and their 3 kids as well as Grandma and Grandpa who are staying near by. We're all very excited for some sun and warmth and to get away from the incessant rain we've been experiencing for - oh lets say about 6 months. The photo at the top is from Arizona. I dream of the sun and heat a few times every day!

I also want to thank my friend Leanne who mentioned me on her blog because (I think) I can. Your comments meant a lot to me - thank you.

9 comments:

  1. You are welcome Heidi! I love reading your posts!

    Leanne

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  2. Hi Heidi! I hope you guys have a wonderful trip to Arizona.

    If this helps at all, I would not take the test. Of course, I researched it to death - but I don't want to know.

    As for the food thing, I know exactly how you feel! I try not to eat gluten, sugar, dairy, or other animal products but geez, what fun is that? The balance I have found is that I allow myself 2 days a week to eat whatever I want. It gives me something to look forward to, especially when I don't think I can possibly eat another vegetable :-) And this girl can't be denied those delicious Cadbury Mini Eggs!

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  3. Kasi - Thanks for your input. I'm still unsure but am leaning to not taking it. I totally agree with you - Knowing may not be helpful at all!

    I'm starting to find a balance with eating that is something like yours. Not always easy but I know how important it is.

    Thanks for commenting. Do you have a blog? I'd love to know more about your story.
    Heidi

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  4. Nicely written Heidi, as always! I am grilling you a double cheesburger down here, while you lounge poolside in the sunshine. Unless you wear that 'Nucks t-shirt in which case it's carrot sticks and shade for you...

    nathan

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  5. Hi Heidi! I do have a blog, I believe you've been there before and that's how I found you :-)

    www.purpleismycolor.com

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  6. Nath- I promise I'll be hockey neutral while we're there! So a cheeseburger it is. Can't wait!

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  7. Oh Kasi - totally. I check in on your blog regularly! I'm so bad with keeping names of people and names of blogs straight!

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  8. Thanks Heidi! I have yours in my Google Reader :-) Hope you're having a great week!

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  9. Hey Heidi,
    Balance is a worthy goal. Keep at it you amazing accomplisher, you!!! You can do it, I believe in you!!

    Happy Arizona vacay to your family.
    Kristin

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