Sunday, October 28, 2012

What - Fear Again?

I've been struggling with this feeling that I should stop talking about cancer. It must feel so redundant to all of you who have kept up with me over the past year and a half. "What? She's talking about cancer again? Let's move on please!"

But it's sort of on my radar. It clouds the lens that I view the world through and effects how I process life. So yep, here we go again - a well known topic for regular readers of this blog: fear. 

I wrote this in my journal about a week ago and I'll rewrite it word for word unless it's really incoherent so it's sort of 'stream of consciousness' stuff, nothing too polished. 

I have this feeling. It's under the surface of my skin and I think it's fear or panic and if I look too closely at it I feel like it will grow. If I ignore it, maybe it'll go away. 

I'm scared to death of having cancer again. If I let myself, I would think about it always. It manifests in weird ways. In the feeling that I'm not doing enough; eating enough veggies, or juicing, or exercising enough. 

Just the other day I finally decided that I exercise best in the early evening. I walk or do Pilates or another video and by the time the kids go to bed I'm done and can wind down. Also, it helps cut back on the evening snacking. So, I make this decision and the very next day I'm in conversation with a few people and I mention that it's easiest for me to exercise in the evening.

Immediately a number of them tell me why it's totally not good to do so. Disrupts your sleep, your body works best when you exercise first thing in the morning, it's bad for your metabolism. It was a short conversation, very short, and yet it consumed me. I felt almost panicked that I was doing it wrong. All night I would wake up half thinking about it. In the morning I laid in bed willing myself to get up and exercise. I even didn't shower thinking it would help me keep to the plan. But mornings aren't my time. I've tried, believe me. 

Why did that conversation bother me so much? Exercise in the evening is better then none at all right? My conclusion: I think deep down I'm afraid. When I'm supposed to be full of joy in being cancer free - I'm afraid. When I should be moving on with life - I'm afraid. Not always. Not on the surface. Just below, almost hidden.

The other day I was watching a talk show and there was this segment called guys on the couch where the audience gets to ask questions and the guys will try to answer. Usually its relationship stuff but this time it was a mom asking when her 22 year old son would start wanting to spend time with her without feeling obligated. One of the guys on the couch answered her by saying he lost his mom when he was 15. He'd love to hang out with her, he'd do it all the time if he could. And I burst into tears. Sobs. Gut clenching, throat hurting sobs. All I could picture was my own son saying that and I was so afraid it would be true. 

Fear. I choose not to fear. I choose to live in peace but sometimes it's minute by minute. Other times week by week. Jesus - put fear in it's place. Replace it with peace that only comes by trusting in you. 

Since that entry I've had a great couple weeks. Lots of energy and joy and fun with life. But man if that fear doesn't just sneak up on you in the weirdest ways.

18 comments:

  1. Heidi - you have NO idea how this post just touched my heart. As I'm typing, I'm sobbing with the kleenex box on my lap. If you are okay with it, I would love to email you and share what I'm working through in my own life right now...possibly glean some wisdom from you, and explain how this post spoke to me today, etc. My email is (we5sticktogether@gmail.com). If you're okay with me emailing you, send me a shout along with YOUR email address. Thanx a bunch...

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  2. To fear I say, "Get behind me Satan, you shall not prevail!" And I shout it on your behalf, friend. It is understandable that you would have moments of panic and fear, about any aspect of your life. Cancer is scary. Talk about it, get the fear out of your mind and release it... again and again and again. I pray peace for your family all through the weeks and will be shouting down Satan and fear for you, too! Maybe you need a victory mantra that becomes your chant...keep saying it til you feel it and believe it in those darker moments. Don't stop talking to us, your words about your story encourage me in mine. *Hugs

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  3. Awh Heidi..thanks for sharing that.
    I saw that episode and was really touched by that guys response on the couch too, mostly because it wasn't what I expected. I know and believe you and Zach will have many awesome years to share together and I can't wait to see it happen. You are so brave and I love you. I will pray that God brings you more and more peace to your life everyday.
    -H

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    1. Heather - I forgot to comment on your comment! I love you sister! Keep going!!

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  4. You said: "I have this feeling. It's under the surface of my skin and I think it's fear or panic and if I look too closely at it I feel like it will grow. If I ignore it, maybe it'll go away."

    That sounds just like how I feel right now, except that instead of fear or panic, it's GRIEF. It comes in waves and right now there's one building. I know because I've gone through this cycle enough times now, but it always sneaks up on my anyway at first and I always still try to ignore/stuff/squelch/stifle it hoping it will just go away peacefully without a big sobbing mess. I rarely know what I'm grieving about until something finally triggers the sobbing (or sometimes just trickling tears while I'm doing the dishes because I don't have the time and space at that moment for the sobbing.) And I will never like it. And I don't know about your fear but I know my grief will never really end this side of heaven. It doesn't hit nearly as often as it did during our first months here in Peru, but it will never be all cried out because there will always be something more that I'm missing... knowing my nieces and nephews more, being there as my parents get older, etc, etc, etc. In these next couple of days I actually have some time for a semi-silent retreat and I'm sort of terrified of what might surface... and now I'm just rambling but pray God keeps teaching you about your fear and that He'll teach me to not fear the grief...

    Thanks...

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    1. Thanks for sharing that Melissa. Grief is totally one of those things that can sneak up on you. I pray God's still small voice will speak to you while you are in silence.

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  5. Thanks for being so honest -- and for sharing that.
    May you feel God's peace upon your spirit....

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  6. Thanks Carolyn. I do feel God's peace today!

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  7. Hi Heidi. You will be an inspiration to me. Always. I want to say that you feeling like you're always talking about cancer is like me talking about being in Turkey last year. It's us processing so many things that have gone on in our hearts and in our lives. It sometimes seems like a fine line of bringing it up again in conversation or not. We are forever changed. Now we make changes that stem out of that and thers either "get it" or don't. I've been choosing to listen to those who give words of life. ~V

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    1. Awesome. I love that we're always changing and growing. I wouldn't want that to change even though the catalyst for change is often difficult. Keep listening to life giving words.

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  8. The exercise-eating right thing messes with my head a lot too. I eat much better than I used to, but I'm scared it's not enough. I frankly don't have it in me to start a raw vegan diet at the moment. For what it's worth, I think you're doing awesome. You're exercising, period, which is a wonderful thing that many, many people, cancer or not, don't do. You're a mom, you're a wife, you get things done when they can be done. And your loved one, family, and online friends are here to keep rooting you on. Sending a big hug your way.

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    1. Thanks Lori for the encouragement. You are so right. When I think of the big picture I am way healthier then 2 years ago when I didn't try to hard. Small changes add up big in the long run. Are you finished rads yet? Thinking about you often.

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  9. You are very welcome. Yes, I'm done! But having that whole, "What now?" feeling. Actually, you just inspired me to (finally) write a new post. Which I'm about to publish. And I've given you a shout-out - hope you don't mind! The fear thing is incredibly hard, I'm finding.

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  10. Love is the opposite of fear. Whenever I start to get afraid I remember love. Love of my family, my friends, and most of all how much I love life! Gets my head out of fear. It will probably never go away completely, but having a plan for when it does arrive makes it easier.

    You are awesome!

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    1. Thanks Lena. That is such a good reminder. Just saw your blog today. So thankful for you that your week is chemo free!

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