And time moves on

I can hardly believe I'm half way through chemo. I finished my fourth treatment on the 21st of July and after a week of feeling bleck I am finally feeling well. AND I have another week before the second round. I feel like I'm on a vacation from chemo - a very good feeling and one I'm trying not to mar with thoughts of what the next round will be like.

Treatment 3 was a low point for me. I was discouraged, fearful, anxious and felt as if it would never end (hence the lack of any blog posting after that). Fear is such an irrational thing. Suddenly I couldn't lay down without thinking of what could go wrong. Every heartbeat was analyzed, every pain, every nauseous moment revisited. And yet through it all my rational mind was saying - don't worry, think of something else, trust in Jesus.

And that's the crux of it isn't it? Trusting in Jesus is easy when your mind is clear and fear is held easily at bay. I had to get back to the basics. Remembering why it was I didn't fear the word cancer way back in March when it was new to me. Because I knew that Jesus was my doctor. That he had my back. I had to remember that he still is the one in charge of my treatment. He alone decides whether the chemo works or doesn't. He protects my heart and body from extra damage.

"Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God." Ps 20: 7.

Psalm 20 has been my staple these past few weeks. I will trust in Jesus, not in chemo or surgery or any other treatment that will come my way in the next months. And I will enjoy this gift of reprieve and the completion of what should have been the "worst of it" (according to my Oncologist who is lovely but very optimistic :-).