I had this idea that cancer would be a year out of my life and then I'd go back on my merry way doing everything I used to, being exactly who I used to be. I'm starting to realize this may not be the case. When I said that exact thing to Sam the other day he said - you will go on with life, it just may be in a new way, a way you're just learning to navigate.
To be honest, I don't like that, not one bit. I feel like cancer has robbed me of some things I liked about myself. Mainly - a healthy body. Yes - when this is done I hope to be healthy again, healthier then I ever was, but there will be changes that I will have to work with or around. Like my left arm, where I had lymph nodes removed. I could always have problems with it, or my heart which shows a slight decrease in the pumping action after my first round of chemo.
In contrast to cancer these things are minor, they can be monitored and I can live with them a long time. But somehow, that doesn't make it easier to bear. And it makes me angry that cancer has power to change my life in ways I did not want.
Then I remember that Jesus is bigger then that. His Power is bigger then that of cancer, or death, or my suddenly narrowed view of life. When I feel like I can't see past the next 24 hours it is some comfort to know that he can see forever.
"I lift my eyes up to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. ...The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore." Psalm 121: 1 and 8
And for a brief update: I received cycle 5 of chemo on Thursday and Friday and am happy to report that I'm not totally incapacitated by it like I was the first 4. I haven't spent the weekend in bed nor have I been sick. I do have pain in my legs and joints which I'm hoping will soon fade. It feels good to have completed 5 chemo cycles and have 3 left. And as I am nearing the end of chemo we've been talking with doctors about radiation benefits vs. risks and will decide soon our next treatment plan. So please keep praying for us as we make yet more decisions.
With you babe! Great post, keep writing.
ReplyDeleteWill be praying for you to always be aware of God's commitment to love and guide you!
ReplyDeleteLOVE YOU, Heidi! Thanks for being so honest and transparent. Our pastor made a comment the other day about how cancer is God's enemy... that it was never part of the plan (along with death itself) and I was encouraged to know that my hate for it is, perhaps, quite righteous in nature! He can certainly use His enemy's for good... but I believe He also hates disease, illness, and death... yet uses them all to usher us into a much grander scheme of eternity with Him, in the perfected bodies He wants for us... in a perfected world. Looking forward to that future day with you... celebrating our release for the pains of this world... and rejoicing in God's goodness in the midst of storms. Praying for your family.
ReplyDeleteThanks for praying Val.
ReplyDeleteMarcy - That's a good way of thinking of it. disease was not part of the plan. Amen to that!
As always...thinking and praying for you. Remember...God is with you every step of the way. He is ABLE! xo
ReplyDeleteAngie, he IS able. I will remember! Miss you. see you at school in 2 weeks!
ReplyDeleteWe continue to think about you and will pray for you. CANCER sucks and I only know that from watching loved ones going through it. I can't imagine having to be in your shoes. I love how you turn to God and to His Word. I love seeing the love your family has for you. May He give you many opportunities to walk alongside others who have to walk the cancer journey in the future. And in the mean time may He bring healing and strength for the rest of the treatments. I am thankful he's our wonderful DR. and healer.
ReplyDeleteStill with u honey. Xo
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