Thursday Ramblings and an Anniversary

Lots has been going on since we got back from Ontario. Our bathrooms were finished. I painted them and then had to move on to our bedroom - cause you know - when one room looks stellar all of a sudden all the rooms near by don't look so hot any more. But the painting is done (at least for now - I have some more painting plans for the future) and the bathrooms look a-mazing! And if anyone in the area is planning a reno I have the name of a good contractor who's finishing work is exceptional. Pictures will come eventually - but I have to clean them first!

We've been having some sleep struggles with the kids. Last time I talked about this it was Zach who was having a hard time. An update: He's doing great! He's sleeping well, in his bed, all night - no more floor sleeping! Yippee and Thank you Jesus because it was stressing us out. Unfortunately Ana has taken up the 'I can't sleep' mantra, and it really is like a mantra to her - she starts saying it an hour before bed and makes it true. We've tried a few things over the past weeks but most don't work for more then 1 night.

The other night I decided to get her baby blankie down. This thing is ratty - we burst out laughing when we saw it - it's full of stringy holes, all of which have been lovingly patched and sewn and reknit until it isn't even possible to fix it further. But it's cozy and soft and totally gives her comfort. She's had it 2 nights now and has slept well both nights. We're praying (and begging) that it continues.

A year ago Tuesday (Feb.21) I had my biopsy. The biopsy that confirmed and diagnosed breast cancer. I remember that appointment so vividly and I have to say I was clueless. No one had actually said 'cancer' to me yet but the ultrasound tech was so kind and calm. It was so unlike the brisk efficiency of other routine tests I'd had done. It was slow. And methodically explained. And of course she asked the question that I'd begun to expect. 'You're so young - did you find the lump yourself?'

Looking back I feel like I should have known I had cancer. I even asked to see the biopsy tissue - 2 skinny worms of flesh in some sort of water. Now I know that solid biopsy tissue like that is most likely cancer** but at the time I had no idea. And of course I was told it would be at least a week for the results. So I put it out of my mind, we went away to a funeral and didn't really think about it. Until we came home to 5 messages on the answering machine from my doctor's office asking me to call. The last one from him directly. That's never good.

Now that I'm coming up on my first post cancer mammogram I'm starting to get nervous. I'm starting to think about what if's again and I definitely don't want to do that. I have to go back to what my doc told me last year this time. One step at a time.

One thing that is different then last year is how much I know now about cancer, and the process and I'm realizing ignorance really is bliss! My naturopathic oncologist is suggesting I do a test called the circulating tumour cell test. Not yet done in Canada, this blood test determines if I have cancer cells floating around my blood or not. It would be costly but would give me more information. And should I just get a mammogram or push for an MRI for my yearly screening (also not standard procedure but way more accurate)? Also I have no side effects with Tamoxafen which I'm so glad about but does that mean it's not working? And if not then what?

From everything I've read it's pretty normal to feel uncertain after cancer treatment. You've been focusing on fixing the problem for so long, suddenly you're back at the beginning again - only this time with more knowledge and the hope that the problem really did get fixed (cause lets be honest - chemo is not an exact science). Through all these questions I'm trying to focus on the future, on my family, on feeling healthy and getting back into shape, on not being sick anymore.

And I'm trying to remember all the truth I learned from Jesus this year. His near and never ending presence, his faithfulness, his care and compassion, most of all his supremacy. I'm reminded that we trusted him with the big decisions back in March (surgery), May (chemo) and October (radiation), and we will trust him with these decisions too.

And I have hair! About 2 weeks ago I said 'see ya' to the scarves
hats and wigs. It's short but it's not bald!

**Is this true? I read somewhere that benign tumours are liquid compared to cancerous which are solid but I didn't actually confirm it.

Ontario and back again

The kids and I just got back from Ontario. We had a great time visiting everyone, hanging out, eating good food and all the fun stuff that comes with family. It was a fun trip. Find some highlights below! 

Today Zach turns 8. His request for dinner was Butter Chicken and Naan bread. I think we can handle that!

I'm doing well. Getting some hair. It's all sticky-uppy now but doesn't look too bad. I still wear a hat out, mostly cause it's so cold on my head without one. 

Keep praying for us. Sleep is still a struggle for the kids (and then for us of course) we're working on it but it's not easy when everyone is extra tired. 

And on a happy note, I'm writing this to the sound of saws and banging cause our bathrooms are getting redone. The tile is going up today and I love it. I can't wait to have a bath in our new deep soaker tub (although we're having a mini fight about who will bet to use it first!). 

Forgive my picture taking abilities. It's almost embarrassing how dim and weird-coloured they are. I should really take a class. Especially since our good friends are fabulous photographers and offer classes fairly regularly!

On our way. The kids did homework on the flight to Ontario but didn't crack a book after that!

Yeah for snow!

Enjoyed a morning at the Marilyn Denis show. We all got a free pasta cooker! My mom is beside me, my sister in the green and my Aunt Pam on the far side! This is the best picture too - could it be the lighting?

The boys getting ready for the big game. My brother has pictures from the game but I don't have them yet so I couldn't share.

Great Wolf Lodge water park was so awesome.

Ana got a mani-pedi for her special treat (since Zac got to go to a Maple Leafs game)

The amazing cakes decorated by Auntie Rochelle.

We got together to celebrate Zach's birthday on Saturday. 

The cake decorator!

Me and Grandpa. Look - I'm getting hair! It's short but it's there.

Presents.

Thoughts to Action

After my optimism of beginning a new year, my bold declaration of dreams, ideas and hope, and my deep-seated need to really Live this year, I find myself a bit stuck. How does that actually translate into action? The first 10 days of 2012 feel exactly like all the other days and it frustrates me a little bit.

Partly it's that I've come down with the first cold since I've had cancer (what? A cold? Now that my immune system is supposed to be back up in working order?) Not once during chemo did I get sick (outside of the actual "treatment" that is) but now I do. Weird.

But I think it's more then feeling under the weather for the past week. Partly it's that I'm not sure where to go from here. I want to keep moving forward, living well, with purpose, and now that cancer is slowly moving towards the rearview mirror I'm finding a lack of focus. I was talking to Sam about this today and he thought this year should have helped clear up priorities. And it has in the sense that I know what I don't want to spend my time doing but it hasn't really helped me know what I should do instead. And I'm also realizing that I still have to do all the regular stuff. Clean, laundry, figure out what to make for dinner every. darn. night. And that stuff isn't really life giving or fun it's just life. I'm glad to be doing it - but what else?

And then there is writing. After Zach was born I started writing a novel. A fantasy novel about lots of fantastical things. I started writing because I was so immersed in babies that I needed an outlet. Something that used they dying parts of my brain, something that wasn't about diapers, baby puke and incessant crying (I love you Zachy but you did all of those things!). I have over 500,000 words written in a myriad of documents on my hard drive. Some good, most mediocre but it forms a loose book with lots of holes. Do I go back to it? Crack it open, try again? Is this something that I want to spend my time doing. My post-cancer, you never know what's gonna happen time?

Sam thinks I should write about cancer. That's sort of what I've been doing here but I could expand, go back and relive it all. Maybe or maybe not yet.

In my deepest heart I believe that God gives us dreams. Dreams that we're scared to admit to others or even to ourselves. Something we just want to do so badly - yet saying it out loud is terrifying. But when we do it we feel right. At peace, content. Writing is sort of like that for me.

Upon reflection, that sounds an awful lot like an answer. At least to part of the question.

Now the hard part - translating thoughts to action.

Yeah, it's 2012!

I have to say - I'm thankful 2011 is over. It was a pretty hard year for us and for many others in our family. I'm glad the back cover of 2011 is face up on my desk and the book for 2012 has been cracked open. The pages are all blank, clear, white, empty. For the most part we get to choose how it's filled up. And at the end of 2012 I hope there are a few themes that run through our book: hope, joy, health, contentment, close relationships with family and friends, along with a deeper understanding of who Jesus is and who we are together. {and I have other theme ideas too like decorating, writing, DIY projects, family trips, and on and on... :-)}

I'm not really one for resolutions (besides the proverbial lose 20lbs) and I don't have any for this year but I do have dreams and ideas and hope. These 3 things were very obviously lacking for me this year. In the thick of chemo treatment I wondered if I would ever have creative ideas or dreams, if I would ever feel passion or drive for anything again. All I wanted to do was lay on the couch, watch movies or tv and get the day over with. That fog is lifting, thank goodness, and I'm finding my mojo.

A few days ago I started to take down our Christmas stuff. The idea was just the tree, since it was totally dying, but everything else I'd leave up. Well I did the tree, took stock, realized I wasn't near tired enough to stop and plus there were needles everywhere - better keep going. Got Sam to take down the rubber maids and packed it all up, then cleaned the house! At about 4 I realized what I'd just done. I'd spent a whole day doing stuff, not laying on the couch, not my usual 2011 method of cleaning (vacuum one room, then lay down!), but how I used to be. I was excited to see the final result of a clean house (I know what your thinking - this excited about cleaning? But a clean house brings me as close to bliss as a good piece of chocolate).

At the end of that day I jokingly said to Sam, "I'm back!" And I really felt that. And I think my family feels that too which makes me super happy. So it may be obvious but today I feel optimistic. And that is exactly how I want to start this new book.

One Good Christmas

Well, I finished radiation 2 weeks ago and I'm doing remarkably well. My skin is pretty much healed up. I'm a bit tanned and sometimes a little itchy but all in all it's doing great. I can only hope that my insides are faring just as well. And I have energy which is something I'm very thankful for. Christmas can be busy with food preparations, presents, and doing all the little things that make it so memorable for kids and I managed to do most of what I normally do.  

I feel like a long journey is coming to a close. I know I still have my every 3 week Herceptin injection and doctor's appointments here and there but the gruelling, active treatment is over. Can I get an Amen?! And I'm starting to think about decorating, sewing, writing, and all the things we're going to do this year and I'm getting pretty excited about it. 

To start it off January is a packed month of fun. Our bathrooms are getting renovated - new tubs, sinks, toilets and everything and I'm heading to Ontario with the kids for 10 days. It'll be so great to see my family - many of whom I haven't seen in quite a while. 

Anyway - just a few pics of our Christmas. And for a hair update: I'm still wearing a scarf out and about but my hair is growing - just really slowly. I'm hoping in a month I'll be able to go bare headed! 

Appie night for Christmas Eve - just the 4 of us.
Ana changed into jammies immediately upon returning home from church.

No - she didn't get oranges. And I love the Jillian Michaels dvd in the back ground.
Very soon I'll be able to get that video out again!

"Just what I wanted!"

Not Your Usual Kinda Juice

As part of our quest for health Sam and I have started juicing. Mostly green juice, cucumbers, celery, kale or romaine or chard, sometimes carrot, usually an apple or pear to sweeten it up and a bit of lemon and ginger. It's actually quite good and I've gotten to the point where I crave it when I don't have it. Kinda like coffee but way better for you. 

Not my juice - found the pic online - but it looks like ours!

Sometimes we've tried other kinds of juice. This beauty is beet, carrot and orange juice. It was actually quite good although a bit bitter. And I love the colour. It matches our juicer! 

So why juice? Well, it's a good way to get the vitamins and nutrients you need. The good thing about juice is that it doesn't need to be digested - all the goodness is absorbed right into your body with minimal amount of work. Of course you still need to EAT veggies - the fibre is good for you too. 

Usually we juice in the mornings and then eat a big salad for lunch and something else vegetably for dinner. At least that's the optimum plan. The day I wrote this we had some really cheesy yummy pasta that I just had to try and make (pasta is my weakness. and thai food, and nachos...;-). But the bottom line is - I really don't want to get cancer again and I'm researching all the things people say will help in that. Eating your veggies is a big one - so I'm eating AND drinking them!

More on Living

I was pleasantly surprised to see this above me the first time I laid down on the radiation table.
It's what I get to look at every time I get zapped!

It's crazy how time just keeps moving forward. I've been in the cancer world for 10 months now. 10 MONTHS. It feels like an eternity and like no time at all. When we first started I had no idea what it would feel like to be immersed in something so life changing for such a long period of time.

One thing I've come to realize may seem pretty basic but it's really hit me this week. I'm still me. I still love what I loved before, I still get grouchy when I'm tired and hungry, I still need down time every day and my body is still my body. It may have gone through a bunch of changes that are annoying. I see them, accept them, but at the end of the day I still feel the same inside. Through everything, that is what I need to hold on to. 

At my radiation appointments I've had the opportunity to chat with a number of different people while we wait. Everyone is dealing with cancer. It's a given. And yet the responses are all so different. I met a couple who see this as a minor blip in their retirement (she has breast cancer). They went on a huge 4 week trip between surgery and chemo, and went to Mexico for a week during chemotherapy. Ironically they have the same doctor as I do - the one who told me I shouldn't go home for Christmas because I was still recovering and in the middle of treatment. When I was surprised that the doc had said it was okay to go they laughed and said 'we didn't tell her.' I loved their spirit, the way they Brazenly Lived and just want to be done so they can live some more.

Today the Radiation Oncologist I saw (not my normal doctor) had some really good things to say. I was asking him (again - I ask everyone) about Lymphedema, specifically about getting a compression sleeve. I don't have any symptoms but I worry about it constantly. He was a nice East Indian man who looked at me and smiled. 'Don't treat something you don't have,' he said and then went on to say - just keep doing what you're doing - arm/chest stretches, exercise, things that get the lymph moving. Then as if I might not have gotten what he meant he looked at me again and said, 'So  many people in this world - you, me, everyone - we have a tendency to worry about things and anticipate problems that will most likely never happen. Don't do that."

That is exactly how I've tried to deal with things this year. So why am I worrying so much about lymphedema before I even have one symptom. Yes I have a risk, and if I did have swelling or something I should get it checked out quickly but right now I don't. And I may never. So thank you to the tender doctor who took the time to relieve me of fear. Peace is not what I usually feel when I leave doctor's appointments at the hospital but it's what I felt today and I like this feeling better!

Two more radiation treatments left. I'm onto the "boost" portion of my treatment. One zap instead of 7, a quick 5 minutes in and out. I'm so relieved to finally be done and just in time for Christmas holidays. The kids will be off and we'll have nothing on the calendar - love it.